i played chocolate tag today. it's a bit like freeze tag, only you melt when you are tagged. players who are not it can unmelt you, but after three tags you are all melted and gone (eaten?) little kids are fucking fast! or maybe i'm just getting old. i don't know. i suddenly want to take womens studies. i have never, ever wanted to before this month. and now? i think it would help with all the noise in my head. i want to talk about this stuff, this gender society relationship self image bullshit. i want to talk about how mad i am, how furious i am when i look at the world, and how two seconds later everyone becomes human in my eyes and i understand again. when i see a planet of fucked up lost kids i get it- all the stupid mistakes, the bratty behaviour. i want someone to share my fear with, my fear of bringing kids into a world that is just so wrong. i want to know that other people think these things too. i'm not just some paranoid man hating freak. society has fucked us all up. my brain is bent and deformed into this monstrosity of silly outdated roles. archetypes and tv characters and social caste. who knows what. cheerleaders and demigods and the quirky vegetarian best friend. one day i am going to grow wings. at work mary and tania are my homegirls. tania says she wants to make clothes and sell them, and now i'm helping her figure out market stall prices, and school loans and clothes design classes. i've always been much better with other people's lives. it's easier to focus when you are not so personally attached. i never know what i really want for me. i'm going to keep this random and surface level. i sound like i'm stonned. i wish i was. there are two moths in johnny's room. i should kill them, but i will not.

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