i knew i was babysitting for kelly today. she said 9:30. i could remember that. i couldn't remember if it was in the morning or the night. i am such a big fucking idiot.

i got up at 8am. three and a half hours of sleep. i calle. she didn't pick up. i didn't leave a message. i called again. didn't leave a message. i called at 8:25am. no answer. i figured it was night and went to make toasr. then she called. i picked up, and she says "is that amy?"

i say yeah. it's about 9:35 now. she says "you were going to babysit at 9:30am.... what happened?"

i say "i just got up."

where the fuck did that come from? i just blurted it out without even thinking. i didn't just get up. hell, her phone would show that i called the house about an hour before that.

she sounded really, really pissed off. i don't blame her.

i said i could go over there in ten minutes. i meant that i could be there in ten minutes, but it came out as if i could leave then. i was too flustered to correct myself.

she said no.

she said bye. i hung up. i went and threw up.

i feel like such an idiot.

there isn't any way to explain myself without making things worse, is there?

i wish i had just not answered the phone. i could have told her i fell down a flight of stairs or something. i wish i had thrown myself down the stairs so i would have a good reason. that seems much less embarrassing.

i am so stupid.

i could have just said i was sick. i am sick, although i think that's mostly from panic over this. i'm seriously shaking. it's hard to type.

now it's 9:50am and i'm awake and dressed and i have nothing to do. i feel too ill and tired and freaked out to do anything. i'm too awake to go back to bed.

people wonder why i avoid the phone. that is why. i can't think, and i say stupid things, and i want to crawl under a rock and die. i feel like i'm having a panic attack or something and i just say anything to get off the phone so i can calm down.
ha, and i work talking to people on the phone now.
god, i feel ill.

~amy~