so much fucking hate.

i need a new life. i am going to trade this one in. you can take all my money. just give me something shiny and new.

i want to write a letter to my mother. she has sent me three, and i have sent her none. i found a magazine article about lululemon (which my mother hates) and i want to send it to her. i'm waiting until i am a bit more positive before i write. everytime i try now it ends up being "i hate my life. i hate everything about my whole fucking life. i don't know what i'm doing." and thats not what i want her to hear from me.

i'm not pround of anything in my life right now. not my work, not me relationships, not my free time. i'm just this horrible, negative drain on all these things. i have a faint idea of what i want from them, and who i want to be in these situations. the reality is so far from what i have. i don't know how to get there.

i feel useless.

tonight i sat in a resteraunt, with my boyfriend, and cried while waiting for our food. i have nothing left to say to him. there is nothing in me worth talking about. i just want out of everything i've created.