i am lost. as always. there is a boy, and that is always trouble. there is work, and it leaves me drained.

what should i make of these
'i love you's and these moments where everything feels right? because on the flip side i feel more empty than i did when i was alone. i'm afraid i'll never find that deep inside tummy flip. that new crush feeling where all it takes is a look and you feel like you've been hit upside the head with a two by four. maybe i'm growing up?

this girl who works at zellers, she's beautiful. i know nothing real about her. she is curvy in a way i'll never be. she smiles and everything in me is happy in that way only a crush can make you. when you feel you are going to faint, and it's so horribly dramatic.

i miss that so much.

but i have roses, and crayon letters, and everything that i've said i wanted. so what the fuck is wrong? why don't i feel the way i thought i would?