1) it is beautiful outside. 2) i feel horrible, inside and out. i fell at work, and now my right arm is sore. sore to the point that i am always aware of the pain, even when my attention is focused elsewhere. the same could be said for the hurt inside, but that would be a little silly, wouldn't it? 3) horoscopes seem to be speaking to me, and that always means i am out of it. the day of a partly serious (partly fantasy) talk of threesoms (and the logistical problems of said threesoms) came on the night before a horoscope telling me i'd have a talk with a loved one that may redefine our relationship in a way that would aknowledge feelings or problems that i had secretly held for a while and thought were impossible to bring to light. it seemed fitting at the time, but somewhat less so now. for a number of reasons. 4) weed is not the answer to my problems, but it was a wonderfull distraction the other night. 5) making real meals makes me feel good. 6) my face seems to be bleeding (!?!) and i swear i wasn't picking at it. good lord. 7) mabel is ill, and i can't fix it. i can't look after her well since i work ten hour days. if i am not there to help she will get stuck on her side, and spend the day lying there not able to drink or eat or get up. this sounds like a really horrible way to live. i think i'll have to give her to someone who can look after her properly. all the things i've read say this is not my fault, but i have this nagging feeling it is. i probably fed her bad food, and kept her in toxic bedding. i didn't give her enough water. i didn't pay attention to the fact that she was moving about less and less. and now she's real sick and i am a fucking bitch for not doing something earlier. 8) i just don't know.

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