mostly i'm lost. i don't know what i'm doing. i know this isn't for me, but i have no clue what is for me. my moods have been doing more swinging than those of a manic depressive pregnant woman giving up smoking. during the day i have an extremely positive mindset. my work closes have been fast, and thorough. i've been spending time out in the sun, i've been reading a lot. i've been eating healthy. i feel at peace in my body. then, at night, i feel like shit. i can't sleep. i get really upset, and then my heart starts racing and i feel like i'm going to throw up. i want to cry, but i can't. and it lasts for hours. i don't want to talk, or get up and do anything. i don't want to read. i don't want johnny to touch me. i hate being in my body because it is sore, and it feels heavy and unnessisary. i just want to dissapear. i wake up tired because i'm not getting enough sleep. i dread comming home at night, because i know my mood is going to plummet as soon as i walk in the door. i really need to get out of here. i think my priorities are changing in ways i'd never expected. it's causing turmoil, but that's not nessisarily a bad thing. i do have hope that whatever comes next will be good. different, and i am going to mourn the loss of what i had in my crazy, overly sentimental way, but it will be good. even if it's going to be 100% wrong for me, i will learn and get closer to where i should be. if anything has changed these past few years, it's that i'm not sure i can't predict how things will turn out.

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