2)i miss being single, and i miss boys so damn much right now. i want to drink and dance and make out with everyone. goddamn!!!

3)i think my head is getting broken again. i've been crying a lot. and my headspace is all wrong. sometimes i just go away and that hasn't happened in years and years. i know full well what triggered it, but i don't know how to deal with it. i tried to explain to J but there were too many emotions. talking about it cut too close to the bone. there is no way to do it that wouldn't hurt.

it's just, he either takes it personally, or he doesn't see what the big deal is. he acts like it's just somewhat bothersom, but thats not how it feels. it's a huge mind fuck to me.

see, i completely dissociated while having sex. it was the first and only time it has ever happend, and it scared the shit out of me. suddenly in the middle of it didn't want to be having sex and i sort of went, "ok, i'm not dealing with this now. i'm going somewhere else."
and i was gone.
and i was upset with J because it was like he was having sex with someone else. i actualy thought "jesus, he seems just as happy with that rag doll as he does with me!" because i couldn't connect myself to my body or what was happening to it.
it hasn't happened since, but i'm terrified that it will. i haven't been that... seperated since back when i use to cut, and then it was almost never that bad. i was still pretty much one piece. sometimes i'd really start to loose it and talk to myself in the third person while i cut. at that point i couldn't feel any pain because i was so far out of my body.

and a few times, lately, i've hit myself in the head to bring me back.

and AND i am afraid. a lot. i don't know who to talk to. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone about this, and i fucking hate doctors. i don't think i need one, because i can get around it on my own. i know i can. it just sucks to not have a little "it's going to be ok, i've got your back" from my friends.