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i'm just sad. i'm sad with everything, and it's been a while since i've felt this way. i forget what i should do with myself when i'm like this. i don't trust my own thoughts, i'm afraid i'm going to throw away the good things in my life because i'm too blinded by this feeling. i've done it before- confused over what i hated about my life i threw away things that i loved. oh my lord i miss my all old friends, and all my old loves (you don't know who you are) please come back? i need to be alone to figure this out. i need to run away and fall in and out of love, i need to have my heart broken, to figure this out. but that's not possible, so what do i do? i wish i had a grand reason to leave, something more than 'i need to know if it's real. i need to know what i really want.' i miss being able to talk about these things. i miss knowing someone. my friends are barely in my life these days, and this boy i'm with all day and all night, i don't feel like he lets me know him at all. all i have are these new people i don't trust. these new people that might be laughing at me behind my back. they are just waiting for a falling out so they can attack. i've got to get out of here. i've got to get away from all the lies i've spread. from this person i've created. i've told so many lies. i'm in so deep i can't see a way out. all these people who think they know me. all the things i'll never, ever be able to explain. i've been trying to write a zine again, but all i write about is him. i've ended up with the story of a boy, and it's as brokenheartedly beautiful as anything i've ever made. and he'd hate me if he read it. he'd hate me if i sold it. i'm a little older now, and not so sure about selling the secrets of others. the moments we've shared. it use to be easy, when i was a cold hearted bitch. i don't know what happened to her. i miss her too. "Maybe I've never really loved I pulled into the Cactus Tree Motel -amelia, joni mitchell |
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