i went for a walk this morning with faith and mary. we pretend house shopped, judging each place we walked by. i ended up with a beautiful yellow house with a swingset outside. mary thought the swings were indicative of my secret yearning for babies. how silly. i don't want a yard full of kids, i want to swing by myself.

i can never sleep. people snore and my earplugs only muffle them a little. i've started taking 5-htp again, and it's been helping with that pesky dead-to-the-world feeling, but i've been having constant nightmares that are bad enough that i jolt out of sleep in complete terror. i'm trying to remember that the pills are not giving my nightmares, they are just helping me achieve REM sleep where my subconscious goes apeshit with the pain, and death, and monsters. silly, silly brain. strangely, this thought is not comforting.

it is lonely here. there is no one to talk to and i feel farther from 'life,' whatever that is, than i did before the move. i am just treading water.

~twenty seven years of nothing but failures and promises that I couldn't keep~