but right now, i just keep slipping down and down until i'm out. it's unfair to everyone involved. it fucks me up for days afterwards. i don't know why, but i'm struck unable to say anything, unable to protest. i think, if i shut my eyes and become as unresponsive as possible, then they will loose interest and leave me alone. when stuck with someones hand down my pants, when i do not want a hand to be there i will:
-whisper 'don't'
-close my eyes
-go limp
-loose feeling
-think about something unrelated until it stops.

sometimes, of course, they will try to prompt me into coming back, by asking me if i like the feeling. then i feel overwhelming rage. i want to scream "of course i don't like this! i wish i was dead right now! your disgusting hands touching me make me feel ill. don't talk to me. just finish quickly, and leave me alone until you are done."

i'm pretty sure this is bad. like REALLY BAD. like, i shouldn't date anyone until i've figured this shit out, only i've worked on it for years, and it's still there.
and my old therapist made me feel as if LOVE would be this huge step forward- that trusting another person would help me grow, help me fix these feelings. well, that sure as fuck didn't work. they didn't tell me that love would make me batshit insane. that all these things would come at me 100 times harder. that i would be so fucking afraid of the person i loved, that i almost wanted to kill them just to make myself less vulnerable. they didn't tell me that loving and trusting someone would mean being hurt in the same way you've been hurt by every single other person you ever loved. they never told me how guilty i would feel for saying no to anything. how, it wouldn't be easy like it was with people you didn't give a shit about. they never told me that i was going to be lied to, because loving someone doesn't guarente that person will treat you ok, it just makes it hurt more.

fuckers. fucking liar scum.
i'm never going to trust anyone. never ever. i know whats good for me.