i feel like i am being swallowed again. most of my head is telling me that i am not going to be ok. i'm not going to be ok at all. things are not going to get better. things can only get worse, and i can't think my way around them.

i'm cutting again. i tried to play that it was an isolated incident, but it's been four or five times this month. nothing serious, and i think it will go away soon enough. but it's a bad sign. i'm not stupid enough to think it's just a fluke, and not a sign that things are pretty bad.

i have nothing. i can't name one good thing in my life right now. i remember, before i started woking, i would go days without talking to anyone. i have gone more than a week withone saying a single thing to anyone. i am so afraid that i'm headed back to that place in my life. i'm scared enough that part of my brain is in a panic saying "fuck that, i'll kill myself first. i won't go back to that."

and, i'm waiting for it to pass. i know this is going to suck. i just have to hold on tight and hope that i keep it together enough to function at work. and when i surface again i'll start dealing with what i'm going to do with my life.

chin up. tomorrow is another day.

~don't you dare disturb me
while i'm balancing my past
'cause you can't help or hurt me
like it already has,
it may not seem quite right
but i'm not fucked, not quite~