no one is online. no one is home.
this is depressing. i wish i had beautiful things to say. i'm trying to come up with something to do, but i just want to shrink away. i don't want to face the feelings. i want to dissapear. i need drugs. my mind is full of bad, bad thoughts- if i slit my wrists and show up at the hospital will they drug me? if i act hysterical, will they drug it all away? i'm not interested in talking it out. i want them to kill it now.
d is back in town next week. he's staying at his moms for a few days. i want to ask if i can go stay with him. his mother likes me! she use to like me. i don't know. i don't think thats an ok thing to ask. his girlfriend is coming up, and i think it might be very much not ok to invite myself over to his mother's house.
i was excited to see him, but now this fear and doubt it creeping up. what if i am so needy that he backs away? what if his girlfriend is super great, and they are super happy, and it makes me want to die? i've talked to her a bit online, and she says these tiny little things that are so familiar- the smell of cumin, the wonky hairline at the back of his neck, silver nail polish. it feels like being kicked in the stomach. it feels like when you fall out of a tree, on to your back, and for a second you don't know which way is up, and which is down. it's not a bad- ohh, poor me- feeling. it's just... so overwhelming. so powerful for something i feel should have less of a hold on me.

help? help help help!?!

i think i want him to save me. i think i, maybe, always felt that way about him. one of three people i've always trusted. the only three who know it all.

and i'm so scared that i have shared myself with someone LIKE THAT, someone who will break me. i feel like i wash to wash with bleach.

tonight i very nearly did something stupid, that i knew full well would hurt me. something i wanted to do just so i could prove to myself that i could do it. that i was hard enough. when you start thinking about sex like you think about cutting your own flesh, you know you are doing something wrong. but for a moment- i don't cut anymore. i'm better- remember? but i can whore it up to some random... 'person.' some guy who is there to use me. who would take without giving a shit as to how i felt about it.

and i don't know. i'm lost inside my head. 613-237-5727. if you want to talk.

i'm sorry i'm so needy.

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